I’m my biggest bully

Sometimes your mental health has to take priority. You won’t have a choice. You can either keep making mistakes, being mediocre, and being ridiculously hard on yourself–or you can make a change that puts your mental and emotional well being first.

Today I asked for my work to be reassessed. You know one of those situations where you’re backup for someone but it turns into another full-time job? I’ve done over 80% of the work for that position (which is completely different than my current position) with nothing but a general “you’re doing great” from my immediate manager. All that the other managers can seem to point out is how I’m making mistakes and forgetting things in MY job. Nothing about how much of the OTHER job I am getting done.

I’ve spoken before on how hard I am on myself. If I’ve made a mistake trust me that it being pointed out to me is enough. There is nothing anyone can do or say that will make me feel worse than what I do to myself. I keep repeating that it’s not fair, I’m doing the work of two people and how can they expect perfection in both sides of work. And I wonder if I’m saying that for them to understand, or for myself.

I’m a crier, at first I blamed it on anxiety but I’m beginning to wonder if that is true. My anxiety is managed most of the time, until I make a mistake that is. I’m starting to believe that it’s not anxiety triggering the tears, but the unending nastiness that I speak to myself and imagine others think of me. Have I confirmed that’s what they think of me? No. But do I believe it? Yes. Would them telling me otherwise change my mind? No.

So I’m writing to proclaim that I am my biggest bully. I am so mean to myself that it’s really becoming detrimental to my mental health. And now that I think of it, would eliminating some of the work help? Probably not, because then I’ll just think of myself as a failure. So which shall it be? A failure? Someone incapable of handling the pressure? Or someone who consistently makes mistakes? I’m now terrified that even with a reduction of work I will make mistakes, does that mean that I am unfit for my job? Maybe it’s time I step back and re-evaluate my abilities completely.

Until next time. XOXOXOXOX

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