So it’s been a couple of days. I have excuses but I’m not giving them. I’ve had a not-so-hot start to this year. I don’t feel like reliving that either so I’m just going to go with what I do want to speak about. About how my f-ing anxiety had me in tears, unable to speak in front of one of the hardest, no-nonsense bosses I’ve had. About how my anxiety is ruining me. About how even though it is MOSTLY controlled I still have bad days and no amount of mindfulness, meditation, or medicine can save me from these attacks.
I had an anxiety attack. I heard the word. The word that until now I didn’t realize how much of a trigger it was. Disappointed. –Now– that I am not having issues with my anxiety I think back and there was so much I wish I had said. But it is too late. And that is the ugly side of anxiety. Any one that knows me KNOWS that I am a strong speaker. I am confident and have no issues speaking in front of people, I may be a tad nervous but that is to be expected. This was not that. This attack was one of the worst I’ve had.
First the tears, then the sobs. I cannot get a word out at this point. Every attempt is thwarted by a sob or choking. My armpits are tingling and my body feels like every single nerve is on fire. I was unable to make eye contact. My eyes were locked on an unimportant object while my hands drew circles on my notepad that cut through many, many pages. I was sweating. I could not make eye contact. My stomach was roiling. I was embarrassed because I tried all of my techniques, deep breathes, hand gestures, positive reinforcement, EVERYTHING I could think of to break it. But I couldn’t. I was trapped in this never ending hell with an unforgiving person.
It was mentioned that maybe “the” decision was probably the best because of my anxiety.
So thank you anxiety. Thank you for making a fool out of me. Thank you for putting a target on my back. I’m now the weakest link. It will take a miracle now to reshape my persona and if I’m lucky remain as I currently am. I am broken. I’ve had headaches non-stop since. My body aches. I’ve reverted to food– which should be impossible but somehow it’s not. My lips are bleeding and raw. My legs are tired from shaking. I don’t remember the last time I smiled. How quickly things can change. I’ve even changed my beliefs. But that will be another post.
Until next time.